Friday, December 23, 2011

Detroit - City of Angels

Ah, yes. Detroit. The City of Brotherly Love. I cannot type to you how excited I am for this trip with the team. I feel like Detroit has been given a bad rap as of late and I could not disagree more. Let's think about his people, if Detroit didn't exist, where would we get cars? Space? I don't think so. So maybe think about that next time you're driving your shiny new Prius. Maybe throw out a thanks to the Windy City of Detroit, Michigan for all it has done for you and asked nothing in return.
You're welcome, world. -Detroit

I am just going to come out and say it right now, I couldn't be more excited for  the Little Caesar's Pizza Bowl. I have had many $5 Hot and Readies from the local Little Caesar's and let me tell you something, they are most delicious. If the bowl is half as fun as their affordable pizza is delicious, we are in for a treat.

Christmas night, Thunderbowl Bowling Lanes, dance floor. LEEETTSSS GOOOOOOO!!
This, folks, is sure to be a dance off of the ages. I have known Nick for about 2 years now through Chris Rubio Long Snapping Camps, and in a way I view him as the little brother I never had. Nick reminds me a lot of myself: young, attractive, debonair, humble, Physical Education major, long snapper, likes to have a good time. Having said this, I cannot wait to put him to shame in front of God and everybody. Video sure to come.

I am excited to have the opportunity to end my career like I started it, in Detroit Rock City with my teammates having the time of our lives. I am looking forward to the game and high fiving as many people as possible while I live up the last few days of being an "athlete!"

Hail Purdue

Western Michigan: 3 days
Christmas: 1 day

Thursday, December 8, 2011

Picture Slide Show of Past Five (5) Years

I have asked people for blog idea's (by the way if you have them, send them my way. k thanks bai) and one keeps being requested, a picture show of how I have changed over the past 5 years. The idea of a picture-ography is mostly brought up by my closest friends who have seen me change. I never really noticed until I went through my Facebook pictures to get ideas for this post, I used to be super skinny. I would have cut me too if I was the coach. Know that these 60 lbs of man meat have not come easy, it has been a rough and delicious journey. As you take a look at these pictures, I want you to look at two things: 1. how much bigger my stomach gets. 2. how much my arms stay skinny and weak and wussy.
 These are a few pictures of me in high school, just to show how skinny I was. I threw in the picture of me with the painted face because people always ask about it and to show how badass I (thought) I was. Despite painting my face, we lost that game. I know, weird.

These three pictures are of me my first or second year of college? Can't really be sure. 6'3" 185 lbs (maybe).
This picture is in here just to show a little bit of a progression of the ensuing gut coming on. These are baby rolls compared to today. 210 lbs.

These three pictures were Junior year-ish? I went through a dumb phase of shaving my head. Although it is hard to tell, the stomach/thighs are slowly but surly growing. Fast. 215 lbs.

Here we go. Starting to put on that weight the ladies love. Stomach fat. 220 lbs. (I know the guy on the left looks great. That's D1 quarterback Spencer Dawson. And yes ladies, he is single)

Party pouch in full force. I'm standing straight up and it is sticking out, that's when you know it's good. White jerseys are not the most flattering. Black is more slimming. Ask John Finch, he'll tell you. 220 lbs-ish.

The picture is smashed and I don't know how to change it, but let me tell you it's not far off. I'm glad I had the extra weight for stomping on communism (pictured). I'm going to guess 225 lbs.
At this point, I have been doing curls for about 15 years and this is what I have to show for it. Some people just got it, others blog. 230 lbs.
Although the eyes go straight to my hair (as it should) be sure to meander down to the stomach. Another view of standing straight up/gut showing. LLFG (Ladies Love Fat Guts). 235 lbs.
Hard to see in this picture but those pants on me might as well be tights on my thighs. But hey, at least we have the bucket and mustaches. 237 lbs.

 Hope you enjoyed this stroll down memory lane as much as I did. You probably didn't. That's fine. I don't like looking at pictures of other people either. That goes along with reading. Woof.
Like I said before, to both of my readers, if you want to read about something I will very much consider all suggestions. Any players you want on Booty's corner? I guess it doesn't have to be a football player? If there are enough questions directed at me I guess I could do an episode of Booty's corner on myself? What I'm saying here is, I am a man of the people and I'll give the people what they want.  

Little Caesars Bowl: 18 Days
Christmas: 16 Days

<3 Kevin

Tuesday, December 6, 2011

Little Caesars Bowl? SOUNDS DELICIOUS!

Purdue is going to a bowl and that Looks like Christmas has been moved to Detroit this year and I can't tell you how excited I am to be able to spend a few more weeks with some of my closest friends pretending I'm a real athlete! In the City of Lights no less!
Because the regular season has ended, our coaching staff has given us a few extra days off; these few days got me thinking about my past five years at Purdue and I cannot help but smile and be thankful for my time here and memories made. I also cannot help but think about how this is a perfect time to drop some knowledge on you jabronis so you don't make the same mistakes I did.
Here are some things I've learned/wish I would have done/done differently over the past 5 years (in no particular order):
  1. I wish I would have gotten into contact with Chris Rubio earlier. Like middle school. Rubio has been a huge help throughout these past few years in both snapping and life. He sends so many of his long snapping campers to D1 programs it's stupid. Maybe had I worked with him earlier I wouldn't be one of two 5th year walk-on's (Sup Spencer Dawson??!??). But then again, I probably wouldn't be at Purdue now. I take it back, I'm glad I'm mediocre and a 5th year walk on because I'm so happy at Purdue it should be illegal.
  2. I absolutely should have carried a mini microphone around with me at all times to record conversations between John Finch and myself during practice (but not during games because he is waaayyy too focused for that, which I guess is in no way a bad thing). I don't mean to brag but we could have put those into a podcast and easily have acquired somewhere between 7-16 followers by now. TAKE THAT NPR!!
  3. I should have started my blog earlier. Like when I thought how it would be a good idea about 3 years ago. 
  4. My mom asked me about 2 years ago if I wanted a meal plan at the dining court even though I lived off campus. I said no. HUGE mistake. 
  5. I wish I would have not been so shy my freshman year. People ask me how my freshman year was, I explain to them that I had no friends because I was shy (shocking) and didn't talk to anybody. 100% my fault.
  6. I'm glad I gained weight to allow me to play, but maybe I should have gone with the muscle weight gain option as opposed to the quicker and tastier option of fat. C'est La Vie.
  7. I should have definitely talked to at least A girl. 
  8. I should have never have cut my hair. A 5 year mane would have brought all the boys to the yard for sure.
  9. LARP. I should have LARP'ed more. (Live Action Role Playing).
  10. I've given out plenty of high 5's but I could have always given out more. 
I have the intention to blog more than once a week starting now. But I'm going to be real with you, that probs won't happen. Only time will tell!

Little Caesars Bowl vs. Western Michigan: 21 days
Christmas: 19 Days

<3 Kevin 

Thursday, November 24, 2011


Today, currently, as I am writing this crappy blog, it is Thanksgiving 2011. The annual celebration of when America was freed from the tyranny of England. Probably.
I was fortunate enough to see my family today and meet my new niece Eleanor (Ellie, El, Ella, we're still not sure. kinda feeling her out first.) who turned 7 days old today, even though my dad didn't want me to. Here is a rough idea of how the phone conversation went Wednesday night.
Me: Hey dad, I think I am going to come home tomorrow.
Dad:'ll only be able to be home for a few hours...
Me: Yeah, but it'll be worth it. I'll get to see everybody and I haven't met Ellie yet.
Dad: You got any gas money?
Me: Nope.
Dad: Then how are you going to get home?
So yeah, that got me pumped. Obviously my dad wanted me to be able to come home for Thanksgiving. He was just being practical. He was economical. I respect that. Still came home. BOOM. I DO WHAT I WANT!

The drive home got me thinking about all of the stuffs I have to be thankful for. The list is endless but I'll try to just hit some highlights:
  • No more math classes. Ever. Not sure if you've heard but math is stupid and is very impractical to learn. At any level. Ever.
  • Long Snapping. This position gives people like me the ability to play pretend and act like athletes for a while, which is pretty awesome sauce.
  • Mustaches. What better way to get and keep the attention of the ladies? No better way.
  • Being born a man. Literally almost nothing to worry about but where our next meal is coming from. I took a Women's Health class this summer (required. perverts) and OH MY LANTA. Kudos to all the women out there. Mad respect.
  • Cars. Seriously where would we be without cars? Probably still in Europe fighting off the Mongols in the midst of the 46the Crusade.
  • Smart Phones. How else am I supposed to play Euchre during class?
  • My readers. Both you guys make it all worth it! I am flabbergasted by how many people actually take time out of their schedules to read what I have written. Seriously. You rule. Yeah you. Right there. With the face and the eyes.
  • Star Wars. Taught me to dream big. Pretty self explanatory there.
  • All of the smart people out there. Sometimes I like to think about what the world would be like if I was the smartest person ever. We wouldn't have anything cool. I'm still not 100% sure how to write a blog let alone invent a computer. So thanks smart people. Thank you Leonardo Einstein. Thank you George Washington Carver. I would high-five both of you extremely hard if possible.
  • Last but not least, thank you to the athletes who give it all for the team and get no recognition from anybody for it. I'm talking about guys (and girls) like Colton McKey who have been unlucky with injuries almost their whole career. So much that they had to stop playing the games they love. Thanks dudes and dudettes.
For the Ohio State game I decided to channel my inner Allen Iverson and cornrow my hair. Mom always said if you got it, flaunt it...

it is important to keep your hands perfectly moist during games, hence the towel

just puttin' out the vibe

awesome picture from after the game sent to me by @taryntaylor. i like it a lot so i made it the biggest. not a lot of people knew who i was after the game but i sure got a lot of awesome looks.
As was explained in my last blog entry, last week was senior day at Ross-Ade Stadium. When I was announced I managed to further embarrass myself by attempting the Ray Lewis pre-game dance. He looks waaayyy more athletic when he does it. Shocking.

Indiana: 1 Day
Christmas: 31 Days

Lets get the Bucket  back! All Hail.

Thursday, November 17, 2011

Welcome To My Crib/Senior Week

You want to know how a long snapper lives? Feast your eyes on this...

I have watched my fellow 21 seniors grow up right before my eyes. I love all these guys and I have a different relationship with all of them which I will try to explain in the following sentences without getting too emotional...

Austin Moret- Aside from being my only Jewish friend, we both love music and talking about girls we almost talked to. We have had many conversations on both topics.

Brad Neimeier- Easily the nicest human on Earth. I have heard a lot of complaining in my life but never from him. Not only is he one of my sideline buddies (guys I talk to on the sidelines) he makes the best pizza EVER. Great human. Better friend. Betterer beard.

Spencer Dawson- Roommate. It has been said that we have man-crushes on each other. He wishes.

Adam Brockman- Brock and I share a common love for everything manly. The only difference between us is he actually lives the life and I just like to act like I do.We sit beside each other in the team meetings AND we share a common former basketball coach. Small world.

DeVarro Greaves- I have learned so much from this kid in the locker room. Some things I wanted to know, others not so much. As I've said before, greatest smack talker I've ever met. The kid brings the wood every play, every practice.

Dan Berry- Another roommate. Possibly the dirtiest. Its hard not to love him and his hairy self.

James Shepherd- The Bruce and I have recently grown much closer. He's one of those guys who would do anything for anybody, especially if that something is play NCAA football on 360.

Charlton Williams- Al (Arms and Legs) sits accross from me in the locker room. He puts up with Dawson and myself asking him daily questions about being black. Great guy.

Joe Holland- By far the (book) smartest person on the team. Joe will always have a special place in my heart for his heroic play against Norwell in the 2006 Class 3A Football State Championship. Pretty sure we have discussed every possible scenario for anything that could ever happen ever during pre-practice stretch.

Robert Marve- Great leader. Unbelievable arm strength. Great guy to talk smack to because he'll always have a come back.

Justin Siller- Sill and I like to go back and forth and make fun of each other about who we look like. I say he looks like Terrell Owens, he says I look like Brad Pitt. Maybe.

Carson Wiggs- One of my best friends. This kid will be in my wedding some day. He can kick the ball good.

 Chris Carlino- Hands down the best football player I have ever seen. Great hair. Great 'stache. 

Kurt Lichtenberg- Always will hold a special place in my heart as a fellow Fall '07 walk on. Always high energy. Great musician. Awesome guy. We like to share stories about reporters asking us questions exclusively about someone else.

Jared Crank- Great guy to talk to, always has something funny to say. Body of a God.

Albert Evans- We had lockers beside each other for a winter/spring once. He never kept his stuff on his side. Other than that, great guy.

Gerald Gooden- Big. Strong. Always cool headed. Philosophical leader of the team.

Waynelle Gravesande- Best hands I have ever seen. I am at ease when he is returning punts. Always in an argument about Kobe vs. Lebron.

Nick Mondek- I think Nick has been in every class of mine for the past 2 years. Not mad about it. Nick knows a lot about me and I know a lot about Nick. Maybe too much...

Sean Matti- I think about Matti every day. Huge loss for the team and community. I know he loved his family and this team so much. He's with us all every day, especially this week.

Logan Link- Stretch buddy. Hair buddy. What I wouldn't do for that bod.

Dennis Kelly- Just a large chunk of man. Awesome guy to talk to, good friend. Also one of those guys who likes to pretend their NCAA '11 game on XBox is real life.

I was recently informed I was nominated for the Burlsworth Trophy which is awarded to the "most outstanding college football player who began his career as a walk on." I know how hard the walk on's at Purdue work and I have no doubt it isn't any different around the country. I am honored to even be on the list. I also doubt the committee looked very hard into my list of football accomplishments. Still a huge honor. Thank you Burlsworth Trophy committee.

 On Monday's the Coach Hope Radio Show is broadcast live from Fuzzy's Tacos in West Lafayette so my roommates and I went for the $1 tacos. I was fortunate enough for Coach to take my question during the show. Mrs. Hope was able to snap a few pictures of me and my 15 seconds of fame...

I was interested in his thoughts about shifting to a 3 QB system and giving Spencer Dawson a little more playing time. He said maybe next year. Dawson is a 5th year senior. 

Iowa: 1 Day
Christmas: 37 Days

Friday, November 11, 2011

The Art of Heckling

Because of my extreme lack of being good at football, I have had the opportunity to view college football from both the stands and the field. Although it totally sucked working at Abercrombie and Fitch, I made some great friends there and it made earning a starting spot that much sweeter. Also, that year my friends and I had front row tickets behind the opposing team's bench, the perfect spot for letting the team know what we really thought of them. For example, there was a kid from Inglewood, California to which we yelled "Is it true Inglewood is, indeed, up to no good?" (a reference to 2 Pac's smash hit "California Love" for both of you older readers). He laughed, turned around and gave a hearty "yes!" Boom. New friend. Probably made the sting of Purdue beating his team a little less painful. 

I always preferred heckling back-up offensive linemen. To me, they are the perfect target: slow, and unwilling to move more than they have to. For instance, if you notice a linemen wearing turf shoes at a place with grass, let him know; say something like "Are you wearing turf shoes because you knew you weren't going to play, and you wanted to be comfortable?" You got his attention, made him laugh, but also made him sad because he won't play. Perfect crime.

I have always said heckling players from the other team is just as American as kicking the British's butt in the Revolutionary War. Unfortunately, I am sad to report that things are not as great as they once were in the world of smack talking. Back in the day, fans put thought, time and effort into what they said to the opposing team. Opposing fans would do research and prepare all week, as if they were playing in the game along with their boys on the field. They would take great pride in what they would say to the players on the sideline.
Nowadays, most people go straight to something racial, or to questioning the player's sexual preferences. These idiots are ruining the fun for everybody. Why does it always have to be about something mean? Why cant you just say something clever? In this age of smart phones, it would be very easy to pull up a team roster and get some inside information on a player before you go off and call them names.

It doesn't matter how much we (I say we, but I mean players who people actually take the time to yell at) ignore the fans, we can always hear them. Some take it too far and forget they could easily get beaten up by anybody on the sideline. Those (hopefully drunk) people are just embarrassing themselves and their little kids who are sitting beside them.

This week, I talked to some of my buddies who actually play on various teams, and asked for stories of people yelling at them that stuck.  Here are a few highlights:

Zack Heiniger, linebacker - while riding the bike on the sidelines to prepare for his epic battle on kickoff return he hears "HEY 36! You can ride that bike for as long as you want, you're still going to SUCK!" -thoughtful Wisconsin Fan

Logan Link, safety - "For every tackle you miss your hair will grow an inch!" -uncreative Michigan fan

KK Short, defensive tackle - "Hey 93, you ain't tryin' to play! You just trying to find something to eat!" -Rice fan

James "Bruce" Sheppard, offensive line - two years ago (when he was a back up) "Yeah take that drink of water, you deserve it! You've worked so hard today! - Oregon fan

Kyle Adams, tight end for Da Bears says he is often compared to Towlie from South Park, or my personal favorite, Jim Breuer.

John Finch, long snapper tells a story that goes like this. "One time, I was standing on the sidelines at IU minding my own biz and these two dime pieces from the stands start smiling and waving at me. As soon as I put the moves on and said "Hi!" they both simultaneously flipped me off."

Christian Yount, long snapper for the Tampa Bay Buccaneers - "Wait, you actually get paid to do that?" "My left nut could the same job you do." "If I quit my job and practiced snapping for a month I could beat you out." -San Francisco 49ers fans

Specialists are usually the first people on the field to stretch and warm up, when we (3 kickers and 2 snappers) were coming out of the tunnel at Michigan this year a Wolverines fan said "That's cute you guys brought 5 kickers." You got me good sir, got me good.

Chris Carlino, linebacker - "Apparently I wasn't paying enough attention to someone yelling at me at Michigan State last year so he threw a hot dog and it hit me in the helmet."

My personal all time favorite zing on an opposing team was when my brother, Adam, played basketball at Michigan State. Sunday afternoon game about halfway through the first half, score was about 65-10 in favor of MSU. Silence fell on the Breslin Center and one clever student out of the Izzone yelled "You guys need to work on scoring." Boom. Roasted.

So this weekend, say something clever, but still kinda mean, and I guarantee you'll get a warm reception from the opposing team. Later they will thank you for the time and effort spent in your endeavor.

Ohio State - 1 day
Christmas - 44 days

P.S. Today is Veterans Day. I wish I could repay you for what you have done for me and my past/present/future family. A thank you isn't enough but it's all I've got. Thank you, heroes.

Thursday, November 3, 2011

Sophie Grace Is A Thief.

It has come to my attention that some little British girl has suddenly become famous for rapping Nicki Minaj's Super Bass. She even got to meet Nicki herself on Ellen. Hello, I love Ellen. What is worse is that she stole the idea from myself and Spencer Dawson. We did the exact same thing like 6 years ago...
This is Sophie living a lie.

The real video.

Last week we played at Michigan and for their homecoming fly-over, they opted to go with a casual MAN FLYING ON A JET PACK. This literally blew my mind and it got me thinking about science and stuff. Long snappers are always looking for a short cut for any job. All we do is throw a ball between our legs and I am willing to bet 9 out of 10 snapper get winded doing so. Come on scientists, step your game up. Hello, it's 1998. Hoverboards should already be a thing of the past.
Here is a short list of things I am disappointed we do not have...YET.
  • Jet Packs for the common folk: it can't be that hard. I want one and I want it now. flying to class would be so much easier than walking all 5 minutes it takes to get to campus.
  • Teleportation: I don't even need unlimited teleports. I'll take one per day and be happy. But let's get serious, there is a very high probability that I would use my one teleport of the day to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night. You would too.
  • Hover Boards: Michael J. Fox had one. What makes him so special? I would even wear those weird hand brace/pads you used to get with your roller blades when it was still cool to roller blade because it was on the X-Games.
  • Healthy Desserts: I know it kind of defeats the purpose, but wouldn't it be nice if we could eat an entire cake and have it count towards our fruits and veggies for the day instead of going straight to our thighs? Am I right ladies? Am I right?
  • Flubber: Do you realize how good at long snapping I could be if I had flubber? Honestly, I'd probably be worse. Flubber is a hazardous material and there is no controlling it's power; it's like me when Party Rock comes over the air waves. I'm not gonna NOT shuffle.
  • A Working Two In One Shampoo/Conditioner: Goes without saying. Who wants to shampoo AND condition? Not this guy.
  • Erasible Pens: Not the crappy kind we have now. I want an erasable sharpie. Pretty sure someone could figure this out if they put minimal effort using the skills they learned in high school chemistry. Come on guys, you aren't even trying. Please.
  • Light Sabers: This one pretty much goes without saying. Can cut through anything with the exception of another light saber. Lucky for me I would be the only one in the universe to own one because I am the only human who has the skills necessary to wield such a powerful weapon. Kinda sucks for everybody else though.
  • Self Driving Cars: Lets face it, it would be safer and way more convenient if robots just did our work for us. I for one hope I live long enough to see a robot rebellion because that means I lived a life free of laundry, cooking, cleaning, smiling, walking, eating and folding clothes.

Ok so here's the deal, J-Biebs has an apparent baby momma. I have no problem with what this girl is doing. Everybody is entitled to their 15 minutes of fame. At the very least Justin should give her the respect she deserves and meet her on Maury for a paternity test! I'd do the same thing if I knew it was going to get me a few more Twitter followers and maybe some free meals at TGI Fidays.
Which brings me to my next point. I was sworn to secrecy but I cannot, and will not, hold it in any longer. Taylor Swift's mega hit Teardrops On My Guitar is actually about me. Taylor and I had a falling out which resulted in me birthing her child as a single father. Taylor, Baby Stella and I need you. Come home. We love you.

Also, can we all just agree that Kim is the 2nd hottest Kardashian? I'd care more about her marriage if she was Kourtney. Does anybody else feel bad for Kris Humphries? He's the one that doesn't get to hang out with Bruce Jenner anymore!

Wisconsin: 1 Day
Is it Christmas yet?

Watch this video. It made me lol.
then watch the rest of them. now.

Thursday, October 27, 2011

Kevin Ballinger: Long Snapper Forever

Thanks to Dustin Smith, our team's video extraordinaire, I was able to take a few moving picture shots about what it is really like to be a long snapper. As I have mentioned before, long snapping has very little to do with actually snapping a ball; it has everything to do with everything else. I have said many times, snapping is 50% mental, 30% ball tricks, 10% snapping and another 30% talking about girls. This video displays a few of the skills necessary to be in the top 10% of all long snappers at Purdue University.
I know what you are thinking, "Kevin, you stupid butt face, you just stole everything from all the other trick videos that have been put out." Ok, you got me. Pobody's nerfect. Don't worry, I definitely did not ask permission to use their ideas so its fine. Probably. I hope you have a great rest of the day/night depending on when and where you got suckered into reading this. I love you.

In other news, for those of you who are early draft board enthusiasts (I'm talking to you, Mel Kiper), it is safe to say I will not be playing for the Falcon's next year. A Falcon's scout walked by me in practice the other day and this is about how our conversation went:
Me: You guys looking for a long snapper?
Scout: Everybody is always looking! Are you any good?
Me: The best!
Scout: Ok sounds good, I'll have to check you out.
Me: Yeah, hit me up on MySpace.

Halloween is coming up, please plan/dress accordingly. Here are a few suggestions:
  1. 90% of your costume is your attitude and how well you get into character
  2. nobody is too cool to dress up for Halloween, if they refuse, they are no friend of mine and should be no friend of yours.
  3. don't dress up like anybody from the Jersey Shore
  4. face paint always seems like a good idea at the time
  5. do not set your cup down. it will be drugged. you will get AIDS. and you will die.
  6. throw down on the dance floor
If you are still unsure of what to wear on this glorious occasion, view further for some past ideas of mine that went so well I had to burn the costumes immediately after:

John Finch and myself as Daryl Hall and John Oates
The real Daryl Hall and John Oates

Me as a single lady. Take note of the heels
Me dressed a shovel.
Laura Croft

Me pretending to be a football player

Michigan: 2 Days
Christmas: 59 Days

Happy Birthday to our Special Teams manager Sarah Lim!!

Thursday, October 20, 2011


I have sworn I would never lie too you many times but I must admit, last week I straight up lied to your face. Confidence is not a long snapper's #1 weapon; dancing is. Dancing can take a snapper to the next level on and off the field. 
Any long snapper dreams of somehow falling on a loose ball in the end zone and for once scoring themselves instead of throwing a ball so the kicker can take all the glory. Having been said, any snapper who is worth anything should already have a pre-planned touchdown dance. Mine is way too awesome to even show before it actually happens, mostly because it will get me kicked out of the game and bring shame upon my family.
This week, I have dedicated my post to dancing and have chosen to show a few options to those struggling long snappers/people in the club who have the desire to be great but need that little nudge to get their ish together and start dancing. 
I will be rating the following dances on a scale of 1-46. A score of 1 means you should probably just stop because if I see you doing this move in public I will push you down and call you names in front of your family and friends. A lucid score of 46 means you clearly know what you are doing and I would like to spend the rest of my life in your dancing presence.

Here we have receiver TJ Barbarette displaying his finest Douglas dance. He is pretty fluent in the language of dancing and if you do this dance correctly in dancing situations, you can quickly gain the mad respect you deserve from your peers. However, if you mess up everybody will laugh at you and you will spend the rest of eternity wishing you hadn't tried to Dougie. I give TJ a 39 for this performance.

Next up on our list of dancers is Chuck Torwudzo breaking it down doing a move I've never seen but that doesn't mean I don't like it. He is innovative with the wind-up camera move, not seen enough if you ask me. Chuck T gets a solid 35.

Here we have Akeem "The Dream" Shavers and Brandon Cottom kicking it old school. Literally the dance move they performed involved kicking. Although they missed on the timing, the colabo move is rarely seen in this day in age of individuals trying to get paper and such. The pair scored a 37.

Kawaan Short aka The Beast aka The Freak aka KK is getting down to a little move we in the biz call, the chicken head. Shout out to KK for the creative name/willingness to stick himself out there and dance for all you beautiful people. KK scores a 38 for his chicken dance.

Here we have a poser who thinks he can dance but he really just wanted to be like everybody else and look cool. I think he is trying to "Drop It Low." Instead he ends up dropping it stupid and looks like a fool because this is his best dance move. 6.
Ahh yes, The Jerk. Carson Wiggs and Justin Sinz proudly display their best Jerk and simultaneously break the hearts of many, many women. These two fine young men know how to get down on the dance floor and for that I commend them. Simple yet effective; 40 for the Jerk.

White boys will Bernie to anything. 46's all around for this display of sexual excellence!

I apologize for the crappy video quality. Kind of. Working on a walk on's budget here and I'm not tech savvy enough to figure it out. I love you.

1 day until Illinois
65 days until Christmas

ps. if you want to laugh you should probably watch THIS VIDEO and the rest of their videos because Stone Cold said so.

Thursday, October 13, 2011

Confidence/Kurt Freytag Interview

Confidence is a long snapper's #1 weapon; due to our extreme lack of strength, size, power, speed, agility and favorable body composition it has to be. Every single long snapper, if he (or she, I don't like to discriminate. however, girl long snappers are extremely rare) is worth anything, borders on cocky and believes they are the best snapper to ever lace up the boots. The sad thing is, all of those self-absorbent a-holes are wrong; I am the best long snapper ever.

Clearly a long snapper's confidence does not come from anything than means anything to anybody else. I am willing to go on record to say that no long snapper has ever won a foot race (against real humans, beating another long snapper comes with the same bragging rights as being able to not wear the same sweat pants for 2 consecutive weeks. yeah its awesome and I'm proud of you, but nobody really cares.). It definitely is not going to come in the weight room so little things like not getting food ourselves as we destroy anything that is placed in front of us, or remembering to brush our teeth before class can really spark a streak of confidence we cannot (are unable) find anywhere else in life. Personally, I am also a fan of when I can find a clean pair socks. Clean sock days are perfect snap days.

October is upon us, with that brings the only time I care about baseball. Don’t get me wrong, I love my Brewers every day of the year but I could probably only name about 7 guys on the team. All I know is that your team sucks and the Brewers will win it all, 2011 is the Year of the Beer.

Also, basketball is in a lockout. Doesn’t matter, the NBA hasn’t been relevant since 1992 when Bird retired.

As most of you know, the Purdue football team will not be tweeting for the remainder of the season. Probably for the better, my fart jokes are getting old.

This week’s edition of Booty’s Corner features running back Kurt Freytag. Kurt makes FDR seem like a Commie and George Clooney look like The Candy Man. He’s what we in the biz call the total package.

Penn State: 2 days
Christmas: 72 days

Special shout out to my neighbor Kellie Phillips for her hat trick against IU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Also, Purdue won the game 8-2 and any time Purdue beats IU, or anybody beats IU, rules.

Friday, September 30, 2011

The Perfect Long Snapper/ Zack Heiniger Interview

First, I would like to thank everybody for their support of my blog and the #getkevinmicdup campaign, I was shocked at the amount of people who actually wanted to listen to my nonsense and fart jokes during the Notre Dame game Saturday! If endorsements from two current NFL players (rookie of the month, Ryan Kerrigan and real life pro long snapper Christian Yount) and World Champion NBA phenom Brian Cardinal (along with many other real life humans) isn't enough to get me mic'd up, then maybe the world will have to wait until I get on the Real World to get inside my head.

Now lets get down to brass tax, today we need to talk about building the perfect long snapper. Now, the easy and short answer would be me. But that would also be a lie and I would never lie to you because I love you. I am going to work from the top down to create my perfect super human Long Snapper:

Hair: Fabio. Flowing locks are essential to a perfect snap. If you don't believe me, ask the dishes! (WHAT UP BEAUTY AND THE BEAST REFERENCE??!?!??)
Facial Hair: Another important factor in a long snap. Obviously, the cut would be a mustache. No question. But who's mustache provides the best environment for success? My dad's, circa 1975. Perfectly groomed, slight hint of handlebarness. Many people do not realize my Dad was once a great long snapper himself, started on the Mississinewa 9th grade team for the Indians.
Mentality: Long snappers must play with a chip on their shoulder; I'm not talking about going out there and wanting to prove someone wrong, I am talking about a literal chip because chips are delicious. Chris Carlino has the mentality of a walk on with the ability of a scholarship player (rare). He knows what every player on every special team's role is on every play, he would make a great long snapper because he always performs and also likes to party. 
Physique: Big, bulky muscles can get in the way of long snapping (which is why I have gone with a more Average Joe build and chosen to gain excessive weight in other areas such as my thighs and stomach). Physique-wise, I'm taking Uncle Jesse from the Full House. Always smooth. Leather jackets.
Game Swag: It is true, you can be a good long snapper without game day swag; Jesse Schmitt embodies the swagless long snapper. Jesse wears no wrist bands, pulls his socks as high as possible (even though it looks stupid), wears dirty old gross cleats and still performs. My selection for game swag when building the perfect long snapper would be Brad "The Big Pizza" Niemeier; two wristbands, simple yet very effective.
Pizza kissing his girlfriend
Shoes: Yes, I agree that shoes could be considered part of the aforementioned swag, but in a perfect world, a snapper would be able to wear whatever he wanted and felt comfortable in to snap. Having been said, my perfect snapper would have the Latrell Sprewell's ( complete with spinning rims on the side!) strapped to his feet.

For the record, I tried to photoshop a picture of the perfect long snapper but Zoolander is on TV and I ran out of time. deeply sorry.

Today is a very special day, here we have the first installment of "Booty's Corner" where I interview other players who get less media attention than they deserve so the public can know the awesomeness that is the men of the Purdue Football team.

not enough awkward leg touches if you ask me.

Notre Dame: 1 Day

Happy Birthday to my stretching partner and hair extraordinaire,  Logan Link
pictured right

Thursday, September 15, 2011

Purdue vs. WWF

I spend more time with my teammates than anyone else on this planet. We are a tight team and we've gotten to know each other pretty well over the past few years. These guys are some of my best friends on this Earth, and some of them have striking resemblances to WWF/WWE wrestlers.  

 Adam Brockman - "Hacksaw" Jim Duggan
The Adam Brockman/Hacksaw Jim Duggan comparison is a no-brainer. Not only do they look alike, they both have an insatiable love for the Red, White and Blue. Both men are known for their total lack of brains and "hit now, concussion later" attitude on their respective playing field/ring.

Carson Wiggs - Bret "The Hitman" Hart
"The best there is, the best there was, and the best there ever will be." Carson and The Hitman are both fierce competitors and fiercely good looking, which makes for a devastating attack when kicking butt. The Hitman was also known as "The Excellence of Execution" and I have never met anybody who is as technically sound as Carson. Match made in Heaven.

Logan Link - Sting
Hard hitting, exciting to watch, huge muscles, face paint. What else do you want?

 James "Bruce" Shepherd - "Macho Man" Randy Savage
It has always been said that "The Bruce comes out at night!" Not only does Shep dress up as Macho Man, his play on the field emulates that of a young Macho Man; devastating moves and exquisite, colorful showmanship. 

 Kevin "Booty" Ballinger - Hulk Hogan
I am comparing myself to The Hulkster for two reasons: 1. his intro song, 2. it's my blog and I wanted to. I would say I am a mixture of young Hulk and NWO Hulk because I love America and I hang out with Dennis Rodman.

Chris "Killer" Carlino - Jake "The Snake" Roberts
Chris Carlino is hands down the baddest man on the field every time he's in. I would highly recommend watching only Chris on every special teams play we have; he's not near the tackle on return teams because he is way too busy embarrassing someone else on the other team in front of the poor kid's friends and family 30 yards down field. Whats that you say? It's just special teams? Tell that to Greg Jones, who Chris pancaked. Twice. Jake "The Snake"  and Chris both have exquisite mustaches, pet snakes, and devastating finishing moves (the DDT and the pancake respectively).

 DeVarro "The General" Greaves - The Rock
 The Rock is widely known as one of the best smack talkers to ever grace the ring, The General is one of the best smack talkers to ever put on the Old Gold and Black. The General would talk smack to King Kong and never back down. He makes me want to rip someone's face off; which I would do if I played something other than field goal snapper. And we didn't wear face masks. And I had the ability.

  Nick Mondek - Kane

Two massive men who's only wish is to rip your heart out and feed it to you when they perform. Once these guys get their hands on you it is game over. The only difference I see is I could beat up Nick.
 Dennis Kelly - The Undertaker

 If you can't see and feel the resemblance from this picture than there is something wrong with you. Dennis Kelly's favorite wrestler is The Undertaker and The Undertaker's favorite football player is Dennis Kelly. Many say The Undertaker is the greatest of all time, Dennis won the team MVP award last year; coincidence? I think not.

Zack Heiniger, Crosby Wright, Brad "The Big Pizza" Niemeier - The Nasty Boys

Zero regard for authority. Lock up your daughters. Six (including manager, Jimmy Hart) men who only care about one thing, nothing. 
*This comparison couldn't be farther from reality.

 Kawann "KK" Short - Kurt Angle

Two freak athletes. KK can bench 500 lbs, squat another 700, run a 4.5 40 AND 360 dunk. Kurt Angle won a gold medal in the 1996 Olympics. These men strike fear in their opponents by their resume and do nothing but back it up when they play.

Honorable Mention

Dan Dierking - Scott "Big Pappa Pump" Steiner
Dan graduated, but the comparison is way too good to pass up.

Coach Hope - Vince McMahon
 Toughest CEO's on the planet.

Joe Holland - Sheamus O'Shaunessy