Thursday, November 24, 2011


Today, currently, as I am writing this crappy blog, it is Thanksgiving 2011. The annual celebration of when America was freed from the tyranny of England. Probably.
I was fortunate enough to see my family today and meet my new niece Eleanor (Ellie, El, Ella, we're still not sure. kinda feeling her out first.) who turned 7 days old today, even though my dad didn't want me to. Here is a rough idea of how the phone conversation went Wednesday night.
Me: Hey dad, I think I am going to come home tomorrow.
Dad:'ll only be able to be home for a few hours...
Me: Yeah, but it'll be worth it. I'll get to see everybody and I haven't met Ellie yet.
Dad: You got any gas money?
Me: Nope.
Dad: Then how are you going to get home?
So yeah, that got me pumped. Obviously my dad wanted me to be able to come home for Thanksgiving. He was just being practical. He was economical. I respect that. Still came home. BOOM. I DO WHAT I WANT!

The drive home got me thinking about all of the stuffs I have to be thankful for. The list is endless but I'll try to just hit some highlights:
  • No more math classes. Ever. Not sure if you've heard but math is stupid and is very impractical to learn. At any level. Ever.
  • Long Snapping. This position gives people like me the ability to play pretend and act like athletes for a while, which is pretty awesome sauce.
  • Mustaches. What better way to get and keep the attention of the ladies? No better way.
  • Being born a man. Literally almost nothing to worry about but where our next meal is coming from. I took a Women's Health class this summer (required. perverts) and OH MY LANTA. Kudos to all the women out there. Mad respect.
  • Cars. Seriously where would we be without cars? Probably still in Europe fighting off the Mongols in the midst of the 46the Crusade.
  • Smart Phones. How else am I supposed to play Euchre during class?
  • My readers. Both you guys make it all worth it! I am flabbergasted by how many people actually take time out of their schedules to read what I have written. Seriously. You rule. Yeah you. Right there. With the face and the eyes.
  • Star Wars. Taught me to dream big. Pretty self explanatory there.
  • All of the smart people out there. Sometimes I like to think about what the world would be like if I was the smartest person ever. We wouldn't have anything cool. I'm still not 100% sure how to write a blog let alone invent a computer. So thanks smart people. Thank you Leonardo Einstein. Thank you George Washington Carver. I would high-five both of you extremely hard if possible.
  • Last but not least, thank you to the athletes who give it all for the team and get no recognition from anybody for it. I'm talking about guys (and girls) like Colton McKey who have been unlucky with injuries almost their whole career. So much that they had to stop playing the games they love. Thanks dudes and dudettes.
For the Ohio State game I decided to channel my inner Allen Iverson and cornrow my hair. Mom always said if you got it, flaunt it...

it is important to keep your hands perfectly moist during games, hence the towel

just puttin' out the vibe

awesome picture from after the game sent to me by @taryntaylor. i like it a lot so i made it the biggest. not a lot of people knew who i was after the game but i sure got a lot of awesome looks.
As was explained in my last blog entry, last week was senior day at Ross-Ade Stadium. When I was announced I managed to further embarrass myself by attempting the Ray Lewis pre-game dance. He looks waaayyy more athletic when he does it. Shocking.

Indiana: 1 Day
Christmas: 31 Days

Lets get the Bucket  back! All Hail.

Thursday, November 17, 2011

Welcome To My Crib/Senior Week

You want to know how a long snapper lives? Feast your eyes on this...

I have watched my fellow 21 seniors grow up right before my eyes. I love all these guys and I have a different relationship with all of them which I will try to explain in the following sentences without getting too emotional...

Austin Moret- Aside from being my only Jewish friend, we both love music and talking about girls we almost talked to. We have had many conversations on both topics.

Brad Neimeier- Easily the nicest human on Earth. I have heard a lot of complaining in my life but never from him. Not only is he one of my sideline buddies (guys I talk to on the sidelines) he makes the best pizza EVER. Great human. Better friend. Betterer beard.

Spencer Dawson- Roommate. It has been said that we have man-crushes on each other. He wishes.

Adam Brockman- Brock and I share a common love for everything manly. The only difference between us is he actually lives the life and I just like to act like I do.We sit beside each other in the team meetings AND we share a common former basketball coach. Small world.

DeVarro Greaves- I have learned so much from this kid in the locker room. Some things I wanted to know, others not so much. As I've said before, greatest smack talker I've ever met. The kid brings the wood every play, every practice.

Dan Berry- Another roommate. Possibly the dirtiest. Its hard not to love him and his hairy self.

James Shepherd- The Bruce and I have recently grown much closer. He's one of those guys who would do anything for anybody, especially if that something is play NCAA football on 360.

Charlton Williams- Al (Arms and Legs) sits accross from me in the locker room. He puts up with Dawson and myself asking him daily questions about being black. Great guy.

Joe Holland- By far the (book) smartest person on the team. Joe will always have a special place in my heart for his heroic play against Norwell in the 2006 Class 3A Football State Championship. Pretty sure we have discussed every possible scenario for anything that could ever happen ever during pre-practice stretch.

Robert Marve- Great leader. Unbelievable arm strength. Great guy to talk smack to because he'll always have a come back.

Justin Siller- Sill and I like to go back and forth and make fun of each other about who we look like. I say he looks like Terrell Owens, he says I look like Brad Pitt. Maybe.

Carson Wiggs- One of my best friends. This kid will be in my wedding some day. He can kick the ball good.

 Chris Carlino- Hands down the best football player I have ever seen. Great hair. Great 'stache. 

Kurt Lichtenberg- Always will hold a special place in my heart as a fellow Fall '07 walk on. Always high energy. Great musician. Awesome guy. We like to share stories about reporters asking us questions exclusively about someone else.

Jared Crank- Great guy to talk to, always has something funny to say. Body of a God.

Albert Evans- We had lockers beside each other for a winter/spring once. He never kept his stuff on his side. Other than that, great guy.

Gerald Gooden- Big. Strong. Always cool headed. Philosophical leader of the team.

Waynelle Gravesande- Best hands I have ever seen. I am at ease when he is returning punts. Always in an argument about Kobe vs. Lebron.

Nick Mondek- I think Nick has been in every class of mine for the past 2 years. Not mad about it. Nick knows a lot about me and I know a lot about Nick. Maybe too much...

Sean Matti- I think about Matti every day. Huge loss for the team and community. I know he loved his family and this team so much. He's with us all every day, especially this week.

Logan Link- Stretch buddy. Hair buddy. What I wouldn't do for that bod.

Dennis Kelly- Just a large chunk of man. Awesome guy to talk to, good friend. Also one of those guys who likes to pretend their NCAA '11 game on XBox is real life.

I was recently informed I was nominated for the Burlsworth Trophy which is awarded to the "most outstanding college football player who began his career as a walk on." I know how hard the walk on's at Purdue work and I have no doubt it isn't any different around the country. I am honored to even be on the list. I also doubt the committee looked very hard into my list of football accomplishments. Still a huge honor. Thank you Burlsworth Trophy committee.

 On Monday's the Coach Hope Radio Show is broadcast live from Fuzzy's Tacos in West Lafayette so my roommates and I went for the $1 tacos. I was fortunate enough for Coach to take my question during the show. Mrs. Hope was able to snap a few pictures of me and my 15 seconds of fame...

I was interested in his thoughts about shifting to a 3 QB system and giving Spencer Dawson a little more playing time. He said maybe next year. Dawson is a 5th year senior. 

Iowa: 1 Day
Christmas: 37 Days

Friday, November 11, 2011

The Art of Heckling

Because of my extreme lack of being good at football, I have had the opportunity to view college football from both the stands and the field. Although it totally sucked working at Abercrombie and Fitch, I made some great friends there and it made earning a starting spot that much sweeter. Also, that year my friends and I had front row tickets behind the opposing team's bench, the perfect spot for letting the team know what we really thought of them. For example, there was a kid from Inglewood, California to which we yelled "Is it true Inglewood is, indeed, up to no good?" (a reference to 2 Pac's smash hit "California Love" for both of you older readers). He laughed, turned around and gave a hearty "yes!" Boom. New friend. Probably made the sting of Purdue beating his team a little less painful. 

I always preferred heckling back-up offensive linemen. To me, they are the perfect target: slow, and unwilling to move more than they have to. For instance, if you notice a linemen wearing turf shoes at a place with grass, let him know; say something like "Are you wearing turf shoes because you knew you weren't going to play, and you wanted to be comfortable?" You got his attention, made him laugh, but also made him sad because he won't play. Perfect crime.

I have always said heckling players from the other team is just as American as kicking the British's butt in the Revolutionary War. Unfortunately, I am sad to report that things are not as great as they once were in the world of smack talking. Back in the day, fans put thought, time and effort into what they said to the opposing team. Opposing fans would do research and prepare all week, as if they were playing in the game along with their boys on the field. They would take great pride in what they would say to the players on the sideline.
Nowadays, most people go straight to something racial, or to questioning the player's sexual preferences. These idiots are ruining the fun for everybody. Why does it always have to be about something mean? Why cant you just say something clever? In this age of smart phones, it would be very easy to pull up a team roster and get some inside information on a player before you go off and call them names.

It doesn't matter how much we (I say we, but I mean players who people actually take the time to yell at) ignore the fans, we can always hear them. Some take it too far and forget they could easily get beaten up by anybody on the sideline. Those (hopefully drunk) people are just embarrassing themselves and their little kids who are sitting beside them.

This week, I talked to some of my buddies who actually play on various teams, and asked for stories of people yelling at them that stuck.  Here are a few highlights:

Zack Heiniger, linebacker - while riding the bike on the sidelines to prepare for his epic battle on kickoff return he hears "HEY 36! You can ride that bike for as long as you want, you're still going to SUCK!" -thoughtful Wisconsin Fan

Logan Link, safety - "For every tackle you miss your hair will grow an inch!" -uncreative Michigan fan

KK Short, defensive tackle - "Hey 93, you ain't tryin' to play! You just trying to find something to eat!" -Rice fan

James "Bruce" Sheppard, offensive line - two years ago (when he was a back up) "Yeah take that drink of water, you deserve it! You've worked so hard today! - Oregon fan

Kyle Adams, tight end for Da Bears says he is often compared to Towlie from South Park, or my personal favorite, Jim Breuer.

John Finch, long snapper tells a story that goes like this. "One time, I was standing on the sidelines at IU minding my own biz and these two dime pieces from the stands start smiling and waving at me. As soon as I put the moves on and said "Hi!" they both simultaneously flipped me off."

Christian Yount, long snapper for the Tampa Bay Buccaneers - "Wait, you actually get paid to do that?" "My left nut could the same job you do." "If I quit my job and practiced snapping for a month I could beat you out." -San Francisco 49ers fans

Specialists are usually the first people on the field to stretch and warm up, when we (3 kickers and 2 snappers) were coming out of the tunnel at Michigan this year a Wolverines fan said "That's cute you guys brought 5 kickers." You got me good sir, got me good.

Chris Carlino, linebacker - "Apparently I wasn't paying enough attention to someone yelling at me at Michigan State last year so he threw a hot dog and it hit me in the helmet."

My personal all time favorite zing on an opposing team was when my brother, Adam, played basketball at Michigan State. Sunday afternoon game about halfway through the first half, score was about 65-10 in favor of MSU. Silence fell on the Breslin Center and one clever student out of the Izzone yelled "You guys need to work on scoring." Boom. Roasted.

So this weekend, say something clever, but still kinda mean, and I guarantee you'll get a warm reception from the opposing team. Later they will thank you for the time and effort spent in your endeavor.

Ohio State - 1 day
Christmas - 44 days

P.S. Today is Veterans Day. I wish I could repay you for what you have done for me and my past/present/future family. A thank you isn't enough but it's all I've got. Thank you, heroes.

Thursday, November 3, 2011

Sophie Grace Is A Thief.

It has come to my attention that some little British girl has suddenly become famous for rapping Nicki Minaj's Super Bass. She even got to meet Nicki herself on Ellen. Hello, I love Ellen. What is worse is that she stole the idea from myself and Spencer Dawson. We did the exact same thing like 6 years ago...
This is Sophie living a lie.

The real video.

Last week we played at Michigan and for their homecoming fly-over, they opted to go with a casual MAN FLYING ON A JET PACK. This literally blew my mind and it got me thinking about science and stuff. Long snappers are always looking for a short cut for any job. All we do is throw a ball between our legs and I am willing to bet 9 out of 10 snapper get winded doing so. Come on scientists, step your game up. Hello, it's 1998. Hoverboards should already be a thing of the past.
Here is a short list of things I am disappointed we do not have...YET.
  • Jet Packs for the common folk: it can't be that hard. I want one and I want it now. flying to class would be so much easier than walking all 5 minutes it takes to get to campus.
  • Teleportation: I don't even need unlimited teleports. I'll take one per day and be happy. But let's get serious, there is a very high probability that I would use my one teleport of the day to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night. You would too.
  • Hover Boards: Michael J. Fox had one. What makes him so special? I would even wear those weird hand brace/pads you used to get with your roller blades when it was still cool to roller blade because it was on the X-Games.
  • Healthy Desserts: I know it kind of defeats the purpose, but wouldn't it be nice if we could eat an entire cake and have it count towards our fruits and veggies for the day instead of going straight to our thighs? Am I right ladies? Am I right?
  • Flubber: Do you realize how good at long snapping I could be if I had flubber? Honestly, I'd probably be worse. Flubber is a hazardous material and there is no controlling it's power; it's like me when Party Rock comes over the air waves. I'm not gonna NOT shuffle.
  • A Working Two In One Shampoo/Conditioner: Goes without saying. Who wants to shampoo AND condition? Not this guy.
  • Erasible Pens: Not the crappy kind we have now. I want an erasable sharpie. Pretty sure someone could figure this out if they put minimal effort using the skills they learned in high school chemistry. Come on guys, you aren't even trying. Please.
  • Light Sabers: This one pretty much goes without saying. Can cut through anything with the exception of another light saber. Lucky for me I would be the only one in the universe to own one because I am the only human who has the skills necessary to wield such a powerful weapon. Kinda sucks for everybody else though.
  • Self Driving Cars: Lets face it, it would be safer and way more convenient if robots just did our work for us. I for one hope I live long enough to see a robot rebellion because that means I lived a life free of laundry, cooking, cleaning, smiling, walking, eating and folding clothes.

Ok so here's the deal, J-Biebs has an apparent baby momma. I have no problem with what this girl is doing. Everybody is entitled to their 15 minutes of fame. At the very least Justin should give her the respect she deserves and meet her on Maury for a paternity test! I'd do the same thing if I knew it was going to get me a few more Twitter followers and maybe some free meals at TGI Fidays.
Which brings me to my next point. I was sworn to secrecy but I cannot, and will not, hold it in any longer. Taylor Swift's mega hit Teardrops On My Guitar is actually about me. Taylor and I had a falling out which resulted in me birthing her child as a single father. Taylor, Baby Stella and I need you. Come home. We love you.

Also, can we all just agree that Kim is the 2nd hottest Kardashian? I'd care more about her marriage if she was Kourtney. Does anybody else feel bad for Kris Humphries? He's the one that doesn't get to hang out with Bruce Jenner anymore!

Wisconsin: 1 Day
Is it Christmas yet?

Watch this video. It made me lol.
then watch the rest of them. now.