The Perfect Long Snapper/ Zack Heiniger Interview

First, I would like to thank everybody for their support of my blog and the #getkevinmicdup campaign, I was shocked at the amount of people who actually wanted to listen to my nonsense and fart jokes during the Notre Dame game Saturday! If endorsements from two current NFL players (rookie of the month, Ryan Kerrigan and real life pro long snapper Christian Yount) and World Champion NBA phenom Brian Cardinal (along with many other real life humans) isn't enough to get me mic'd up, then maybe the world will have to wait until I get on the Real World to get inside my head.

Now lets get down to brass tax, today we need to talk about building the perfect long snapper. Now, the easy and short answer would be me. But that would also be a lie and I would never lie to you because I love you. I am going to work from the top down to create my perfect super human Long Snapper:

Hair: Fabio. Flowing locks are essential to a perfect snap. If you don't believe me, ask the dishes! (WHAT UP BEAUTY AND THE BEAST REFERENCE??!?!??)
Facial Hair: Another important factor in a long snap. Obviously, the cut would be a mustache. No question. But who's mustache provides the best environment for success? My dad's, circa 1975. Perfectly groomed, slight hint of handlebarness. Many people do not realize my Dad was once a great long snapper himself, started on the Mississinewa 9th grade team for the Indians.
Mentality: Long snappers must play with a chip on their shoulder; I'm not talking about going out there and wanting to prove someone wrong, I am talking about a literal chip because chips are delicious. Chris Carlino has the mentality of a walk on with the ability of a scholarship player (rare). He knows what every player on every special team's role is on every play, he would make a great long snapper because he always performs and also likes to party. 
Physique: Big, bulky muscles can get in the way of long snapping (which is why I have gone with a more Average Joe build and chosen to gain excessive weight in other areas such as my thighs and stomach). Physique-wise, I'm taking Uncle Jesse from the Full House. Always smooth. Leather jackets.
Game Swag: It is true, you can be a good long snapper without game day swag; Jesse Schmitt embodies the swagless long snapper. Jesse wears no wrist bands, pulls his socks as high as possible (even though it looks stupid), wears dirty old gross cleats and still performs. My selection for game swag when building the perfect long snapper would be Brad "The Big Pizza" Niemeier; two wristbands, simple yet very effective.

Pizza kissing his girlfriend

Shoes: Yes, I agree that shoes could be considered part of the aforementioned swag, but in a perfect world, a snapper would be able to wear whatever he wanted and felt comfortable in to snap. Having been said, my perfect snapper would have the Latrell Sprewell's ( complete with spinning rims on the side!) strapped to his feet.

For the record, I tried to photoshop a picture of the perfect long snapper but Zoolander is on TV and I ran out of time. deeply sorry.

Today is a very special day, here we have the first installment of "Booty's Corner" where I interview other players who get less media attention than they deserve so the public can know the awesomeness that is the men of the Purdue Football team.

not enough awkward leg touches if you ask me.

Notre Dame: 1 Day

Happy Birthday to my stretching partner and hair extraordinaire,  Logan Link

pictured right

Purdue vs. WWF

I spend more time with my teammates than anyone else on this planet. We are a tight team and we've gotten to know each other pretty well over the past few years. These guys are some of my best friends on this Earth, and some of them have striking resemblances to WWF/WWE wrestlers.  

 Adam Brockman - "Hacksaw" Jim Duggan

The Adam Brockman/Hacksaw Jim Duggan comparison is a no-brainer. Not only do they look alike, they both have an insatiable love for the Red, White and Blue. Both men are known for their total lack of brains and "hit now, concussion later" attitude on their respective playing field/ring.

Carson Wiggs - Bret "The Hitman" Hart

"The best there is, the best there was, and the best there ever will be." Carson and The Hitman are both fierce competitors and fiercely good looking, which makes for a devastating attack when kicking butt. The Hitman was also known as "The Excellence of Execution" and I have never met anybody who is as technically sound as Carson. Match made in Heaven.

Logan Link - Sting

Hard hitting, exciting to watch, huge muscles, face paint. What else do you want?

 James "Bruce" Shepherd - "Macho Man" Randy Savage

It has always been said that "The Bruce comes out at night!" Not only does Shep dress up as Macho Man, his play on the field emulates that of a young Macho Man; devastating moves and exquisite, colorful showmanship. 

 Kevin "Booty" Ballinger - Hulk Hogan

I am comparing myself to The Hulkster for two reasons: 1. his intro song, 2. it's my blog and I wanted to. I would say I am a mixture of young Hulk and NWO Hulk because I love America and I hang out with Dennis Rodman.

Chris "Killer" Carlino - Jake "The Snake" Roberts

Chris Carlino is hands down the baddest man on the field every time he's in. I would highly recommend watching only Chris on every special teams play we have; he's not near the tackle on return teams because he is way too busy embarrassing someone else on the other team in front of the poor kid's friends and family 30 yards down field. Whats that you say? It's just special teams? Tell that to Greg Jones, who Chris pancaked. Twice. Jake "The Snake"  and Chris both have exquisite mustaches, pet snakes, and devastating finishing moves (the DDT and the pancake respectively).

 DeVarro "The General" Greaves - The Rock

 The Rock is widely known as one of the best smack talkers to ever grace the ring, The General is one of the best smack talkers to ever put on the Old Gold and Black. The General would talk smack to King Kong and never back down. He makes me want to rip someone's face off; which I would do if I played something other than field goal snapper. And we didn't wear face masks. And I had the ability.

  Nick Mondek - Kane

Two massive men who's only wish is to rip your heart out and feed it to you when they perform. Once these guys get their hands on you it is game over. The only difference I see is I could beat up Nick.

 Dennis Kelly - The Undertaker

 

 If you can't see and feel the resemblance from this picture than there is something wrong with you. Dennis Kelly's favorite wrestler is The Undertaker and The Undertaker's favorite football player is Dennis Kelly. Many say The Undertaker is the greatest of all time, Dennis won the team MVP award last year; coincidence? I think not.

Zack Heiniger, Crosby Wright, Brad "The Big Pizza" Niemeier - The Nasty Boys

Zero regard for authority. Lock up your daughters. Six (including manager, Jimmy Hart) men who only care about one thing, nothing. 

*This comparison couldn't be farther from reality.

 Kawann "KK" Short - Kurt Angle

 

Two freak athletes. KK can bench 500 lbs, squat another 700, run a 4.5 40 AND 360 dunk. Kurt Angle won a gold medal in the 1996 Olympics. These men strike fear in their opponents by their resume and do nothing but back it up when they play.

Honorable Mention

Dan Dierking - Scott "Big Pappa Pump" Steiner

Dan graduated, but the comparison is way too good to pass up.

Coach Hope - Vince McMahon

 Toughest CEO's on the planet.

Joe Holland - Sheamus O'Shaunessy

 Gingers.

Texas

This week we are playing Rice; for those of you who don't own a globe, Rice is in Houston, Texas. Going to Texas can only mean one thing, cowboys. I have wanted to be a cowboy for all 23 years of my life and I do not see that changing any time soon.
Texas has always sparked my interest because I am big into tradition, and the Texas people have always been known as a proud people. I have been to Texas (San Antonio) once before to watch my brother, Adam, play in the Sweet 16/Elite 8 for Michigan State in 2003. Sadly, from what I could see San Antonio was exceptionally modern for Texas. I imagine Houston to be like the Old West in the movies full of saloons, general stores and hitchin' posts. If this is not what present day Houston, Texas is like then I have been lied to and I'm glad we are only there for one night. If Houston is anything like what I described, there is a 100% chance I will elect to stay and get back to my wranglin' roots. I belong in boots, hat, skinny jeans, a duster and two six shooters.
I do have some questions of concern about our game in the great state of Texas:

1. Texas is pretty dry, is there going to be enough water for us? I've heard it is supposed to be hot.
2. What are the chances of a group of outlaws storming the field and looting the fans? If it is anything above 75% I'm out.
3. If everything really is bigger in Texas, shouldn't we be practicing with bigger balls this week? Is the field going to be any bigger? Hope not.
4. Why do horses wear shoes? Do horses wear socks? Is anybody listening to me?

Go ahead and act like you've never worried about this stuff.