Friday, September 30, 2011

The Perfect Long Snapper/ Zack Heiniger Interview

First, I would like to thank everybody for their support of my blog and the #getkevinmicdup campaign, I was shocked at the amount of people who actually wanted to listen to my nonsense and fart jokes during the Notre Dame game Saturday! If endorsements from two current NFL players (rookie of the month, Ryan Kerrigan and real life pro long snapper Christian Yount) and World Champion NBA phenom Brian Cardinal (along with many other real life humans) isn't enough to get me mic'd up, then maybe the world will have to wait until I get on the Real World to get inside my head.

Now lets get down to brass tax, today we need to talk about building the perfect long snapper. Now, the easy and short answer would be me. But that would also be a lie and I would never lie to you because I love you. I am going to work from the top down to create my perfect super human Long Snapper:

Hair: Fabio. Flowing locks are essential to a perfect snap. If you don't believe me, ask the dishes! (WHAT UP BEAUTY AND THE BEAST REFERENCE??!?!??)
Facial Hair: Another important factor in a long snap. Obviously, the cut would be a mustache. No question. But who's mustache provides the best environment for success? My dad's, circa 1975. Perfectly groomed, slight hint of handlebarness. Many people do not realize my Dad was once a great long snapper himself, started on the Mississinewa 9th grade team for the Indians.
Mentality: Long snappers must play with a chip on their shoulder; I'm not talking about going out there and wanting to prove someone wrong, I am talking about a literal chip because chips are delicious. Chris Carlino has the mentality of a walk on with the ability of a scholarship player (rare). He knows what every player on every special team's role is on every play, he would make a great long snapper because he always performs and also likes to party. 
Physique: Big, bulky muscles can get in the way of long snapping (which is why I have gone with a more Average Joe build and chosen to gain excessive weight in other areas such as my thighs and stomach). Physique-wise, I'm taking Uncle Jesse from the Full House. Always smooth. Leather jackets.
Game Swag: It is true, you can be a good long snapper without game day swag; Jesse Schmitt embodies the swagless long snapper. Jesse wears no wrist bands, pulls his socks as high as possible (even though it looks stupid), wears dirty old gross cleats and still performs. My selection for game swag when building the perfect long snapper would be Brad "The Big Pizza" Niemeier; two wristbands, simple yet very effective.
Pizza kissing his girlfriend
Shoes: Yes, I agree that shoes could be considered part of the aforementioned swag, but in a perfect world, a snapper would be able to wear whatever he wanted and felt comfortable in to snap. Having been said, my perfect snapper would have the Latrell Sprewell's ( complete with spinning rims on the side!) strapped to his feet.

For the record, I tried to photoshop a picture of the perfect long snapper but Zoolander is on TV and I ran out of time. deeply sorry.

Today is a very special day, here we have the first installment of "Booty's Corner" where I interview other players who get less media attention than they deserve so the public can know the awesomeness that is the men of the Purdue Football team.

not enough awkward leg touches if you ask me.

Notre Dame: 1 Day

Happy Birthday to my stretching partner and hair extraordinaire,  Logan Link
pictured right

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