Tuesday, July 26, 2011

How to Party Like A Long Snapper: The John Finch Story

Today's post is a special guest entry from none other than Purdue great, John Finch For those of you who do not know, Finch has been the starter at long snapper for the Boilermakers for the last three seasons; he has also been my mentor, life coach and good friend.

John's accomplishments on and off the field are extensive; they are, but not limited to:
  • Degree in something about management from Purdue
  • first long snapper in the history of the game to be double teamed on punt coverage (Notre Dame last season)
  • 2.0 lifetime kill-to-death ratio on Call of Duty: Black Ops
  • self proclaimed "king of Totinos pizza"
  • has a great party pouch (for those who do not know, the party pouch is the layer of fat on the lower abdomen)
  • played 2 plays against Toledo in 2008 at tight end
  • 4.96 40 yard speed
  • lazer rocket arm
  • lots of other stuff too probably
John has taught me many life lessons on and off the field, including how to party...
It’s astonishing how many people come up to Kevin (Booty) and I and say things like “man you guys are so cool” or “I wanna be like you when I grow up.” In most case we will respond by saying “yeah we like to have a good time” or “you’re older than us how can you be like us when you grow up?”
Chances are that you will probably never quite get to the level that Booty and I are on but here is a basic rundown of what it takes to party like a longsnapper. For readability purposes this will be presented in a timeline. You’re welcome.
Saturday Afternoon:
2 p.m  It’s about time to roll out of bed for another afternoon of lounging and recovering from the night before.  It is highly unlikely that you will be wearing all your clothes and underwear certainly does not need to be put on until around 9 p.m.
3:30 p.m. After an hour and half of laying on your couch and thinking about what to make for your meal today you finally decide to make your way to Chipotle. A lot of you readers might be confused as to how this relates to partying but it’s crucial to put something heavy in your stomach because this will be the last meal you have until 3 in the morning.
8 p.m. The time has finally come to make the biggest decision of the night. What are you going to drink tonight? Well you’re a longsnapper so you don’t have much money because you were never put on scholarship. Don’t worry people; that’s why you drink Steel Reserve. Granted this nectar of the gods requires you to bite down the first few drinks but it puts hair on your chest. More importantly, it only costs $ 2.50 for 40 ounces of just enough to push you to the limit.
9 p.m. After a really eventful afternoon on the couch where you probably lounged hard enough to sweat you can finally shower now.  After showering make sure you select your style carefully. Mix it up a little. Maybe go out without wearing underwear. That’s always a good time. I tend to rock the standard navy blue polo shirt while Kevin mixes it up and where’s a shirt with an animal on it that he saw attacking humans on TV that day.
10-12 p.m. This is a crucial time of the night where you polish off your Steel Reserves and play a lot of Call of Duty. My parents always told me that nothing good happens after midnight. That’s not true in college. Nothing good happens until midnight in college. It’s time to head to the bars at midnight
After midnight you are on your own when it comes to partying. Just make sure that you don’t talk to girls and dance your ass off.  So what if Kevin and I have been found grinding on each other in public? It makes girls laugh granted we don’t talk to them afterwards. Here’s the thing: If you’re a longsnapper and you’re good at talking to the babes I don’t trust you, and neither does Kevin. And if we don’t trust you, we don’t like you and no one wants that.