Wednesday, August 31, 2011

Haters Gonna Hate: Mustaches

My affinity for mustaches and mustache culture is no secret; I love everything about them. There are so many different styles and emotions that jolt through the body like the Hammer of Thor when in contact with a mustache. Mustaches are not only funny, they are functional. Although I have been known to use performance enhancing drugs (I dye my 'stache "Dark Mahogany" Brown using only the finest $3 Revlon products), one thing has become blatantly obvious to me when I am sporting a mustache: men want them and women love them. That is just simple physics in its purest form. Think about it, every great man in the history of the world has rocked a flavor saver at one point in their life.

My mustache journey began at a young age, I remember it like it was yesterday. In all of my 5 or 6 years of life I only knew the best dad in the world, a mustachioed Ken Ballinger. One weekend we were on a camping trip with some family friends, I was minding my own business playing Cowboys and Native Americans with all of my imaginary friends.  Out of nowhere my dad walked up to me to see how things were going sans mustache. My dad's upper lip was as white as the loin clothe of Zeus due to the extreme lack of sunlight. I immediately forgot about the task at hand of saving the world and asked where he put his mustache. He gave a hearty laugh and said "I put it in my pocket." I spent the rest of the trip begging him to put his mouth brow back on. I'm probably one of the few people in this world who have actually cried over a mustache. If you have a problem with that, name the time and place.

Personally, I like to sport a womb broom at least twice a year. Once during Movember to raise prostate cancer awareness and once whenever I feel it is necessary. I will tell you it is not easy to wear a mustache in this day in age. There are haters literally everywhere you go (I don't want to name any names but known haters include, but are not limited to: Nick Mondek, Barrett Seratto, Ryan Bridges, and every boyfriend everywhere). They say it looks stupid. Oh yeah? Do four MySpace friend requests look stupid to you? Didn't think so tough guy.

Here is a list of my top 5 mustaches in the history of men.
5. Sam Elliott
Also known as the Cowboy/narrator from the Big Lebowski. Not only does he have a great 'stache, he gives off great words of wisdom to a man in need.

4. Burt Reynolds

Smokey and the Bandit. Enough Said.

3. Rollie Fingers
Pitcher for the Brewers 1981-1985. Fingers has one of the all time great baseball names and even greater dedication to his mustache. His curled style may not be for everyone, but it should be.

2. Larry Bird

  Greatest basketball player to ever lace up the Cons. His hustle was second to none and his mustache only fueled the fire.

1. Ken Ballinger

  Mustache aside, this man has done more for me than I will ever know. A selfless man who has never asked for anything but has given everything. Mustache inside, how is this guy not on the cover of every issue of GQ?

Great Mustache Honorable Mentions:
- Tom Selleck
-Lando Calrissian
-Lanny McDonald
-Richard Petty
-Brian Dawson

You may be asking yourself, what do mustaches have to do with long snapping? Everything.
3 Days! Beat Middle!

If you or anybody you know is suffering from mustache discrimination, please visit the following website:



  2. Rock that 'stache!

    You've got another follower for life now.

  3. Boiler up, guy and rock the 'stache.

    I'm gonna rock one at work now. You've just inspired me.

  4. I thought you might find this entertaining.