Thursday, November 3, 2011

Sophie Grace Is A Thief.

It has come to my attention that some little British girl has suddenly become famous for rapping Nicki Minaj's Super Bass. She even got to meet Nicki herself on Ellen. Hello, I love Ellen. What is worse is that she stole the idea from myself and Spencer Dawson. We did the exact same thing like 6 years ago...
This is Sophie living a lie.

The real video.

Last week we played at Michigan and for their homecoming fly-over, they opted to go with a casual MAN FLYING ON A JET PACK. This literally blew my mind and it got me thinking about science and stuff. Long snappers are always looking for a short cut for any job. All we do is throw a ball between our legs and I am willing to bet 9 out of 10 snapper get winded doing so. Come on scientists, step your game up. Hello, it's 1998. Hoverboards should already be a thing of the past.
Here is a short list of things I am disappointed we do not have...YET.
  • Jet Packs for the common folk: it can't be that hard. I want one and I want it now. flying to class would be so much easier than walking all 5 minutes it takes to get to campus.
  • Teleportation: I don't even need unlimited teleports. I'll take one per day and be happy. But let's get serious, there is a very high probability that I would use my one teleport of the day to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night. You would too.
  • Hover Boards: Michael J. Fox had one. What makes him so special? I would even wear those weird hand brace/pads you used to get with your roller blades when it was still cool to roller blade because it was on the X-Games.
  • Healthy Desserts: I know it kind of defeats the purpose, but wouldn't it be nice if we could eat an entire cake and have it count towards our fruits and veggies for the day instead of going straight to our thighs? Am I right ladies? Am I right?
  • Flubber: Do you realize how good at long snapping I could be if I had flubber? Honestly, I'd probably be worse. Flubber is a hazardous material and there is no controlling it's power; it's like me when Party Rock comes over the air waves. I'm not gonna NOT shuffle.
  • A Working Two In One Shampoo/Conditioner: Goes without saying. Who wants to shampoo AND condition? Not this guy.
  • Erasible Pens: Not the crappy kind we have now. I want an erasable sharpie. Pretty sure someone could figure this out if they put minimal effort using the skills they learned in high school chemistry. Come on guys, you aren't even trying. Please.
  • Light Sabers: This one pretty much goes without saying. Can cut through anything with the exception of another light saber. Lucky for me I would be the only one in the universe to own one because I am the only human who has the skills necessary to wield such a powerful weapon. Kinda sucks for everybody else though.
  • Self Driving Cars: Lets face it, it would be safer and way more convenient if robots just did our work for us. I for one hope I live long enough to see a robot rebellion because that means I lived a life free of laundry, cooking, cleaning, smiling, walking, eating and folding clothes.

Ok so here's the deal, J-Biebs has an apparent baby momma. I have no problem with what this girl is doing. Everybody is entitled to their 15 minutes of fame. At the very least Justin should give her the respect she deserves and meet her on Maury for a paternity test! I'd do the same thing if I knew it was going to get me a few more Twitter followers and maybe some free meals at TGI Fidays.
Which brings me to my next point. I was sworn to secrecy but I cannot, and will not, hold it in any longer. Taylor Swift's mega hit Teardrops On My Guitar is actually about me. Taylor and I had a falling out which resulted in me birthing her child as a single father. Taylor, Baby Stella and I need you. Come home. We love you.

Also, can we all just agree that Kim is the 2nd hottest Kardashian? I'd care more about her marriage if she was Kourtney. Does anybody else feel bad for Kris Humphries? He's the one that doesn't get to hang out with Bruce Jenner anymore!

Wisconsin: 1 Day
Is it Christmas yet?

Watch this video. It made me lol.
then watch the rest of them. now.


  1. I can't even remember how I heard about your blog today, might have been SI's daily blog, but man I love it, your hilarious, your videos are great, but the best part is when I tell people about my high school football career it's not about the touchdown I almost scored, or the sacks I had at linebacker... It's definitely that I did blow a single long snap in my 3 years... SNAP ON BROSKI!

  2. My ex-girlfriend had a long-snapper....not sure if that's good company for you.