Welcome To My Crib/Senior Week

You want to know how a long snapper lives? Feast your eyes on this...

I have watched my fellow 21 seniors grow up right before my eyes. I love all these guys and I have a different relationship with all of them which I will try to explain in the following sentences without getting too emotional...

Austin Moret- Aside from being my only Jewish friend, we both love music and talking about girls we almost talked to. We have had many conversations on both topics.

Brad Neimeier- Easily the nicest human on Earth. I have heard a lot of complaining in my life but never from him. Not only is he one of my sideline buddies (guys I talk to on the sidelines) he makes the best pizza EVER. Great human. Better friend. Betterer beard.

Spencer Dawson- Roommate. It has been said that we have man-crushes on each other. He wishes.

Adam Brockman- Brock and I share a common love for everything manly. The only difference between us is he actually lives the life and I just like to act like I do.We sit beside each other in the team meetings AND we share a common former basketball coach. Small world.

DeVarro Greaves- I have learned so much from this kid in the locker room. Some things I wanted to know, others not so much. As I've said before, greatest smack talker I've ever met. The kid brings the wood every play, every practice.

Dan Berry- Another roommate. Possibly the dirtiest. Its hard not to love him and his hairy self.

James Shepherd- The Bruce and I have recently grown much closer. He's one of those guys who would do anything for anybody, especially if that something is play NCAA football on 360.

Charlton Williams- Al (Arms and Legs) sits accross from me in the locker room. He puts up with Dawson and myself asking him daily questions about being black. Great guy.

Joe Holland- By far the (book) smartest person on the team. Joe will always have a special place in my heart for his heroic play against Norwell in the 2006 Class 3A Football State Championship. Pretty sure we have discussed every possible scenario for anything that could ever happen ever during pre-practice stretch.

Robert Marve- Great leader. Unbelievable arm strength. Great guy to talk smack to because he'll always have a come back.

Justin Siller- Sill and I like to go back and forth and make fun of each other about who we look like. I say he looks like Terrell Owens, he says I look like Brad Pitt. Maybe.

Carson Wiggs- One of my best friends. This kid will be in my wedding some day. He can kick the ball good.

 Chris Carlino- Hands down the best football player I have ever seen. Great hair. Great 'stache. 

Kurt Lichtenberg- Always will hold a special place in my heart as a fellow Fall '07 walk on. Always high energy. Great musician. Awesome guy. We like to share stories about reporters asking us questions exclusively about someone else.

Jared Crank- Great guy to talk to, always has something funny to say. Body of a God.

Albert Evans- We had lockers beside each other for a winter/spring once. He never kept his stuff on his side. Other than that, great guy.

Gerald Gooden- Big. Strong. Always cool headed. Philosophical leader of the team.

Waynelle Gravesande- Best hands I have ever seen. I am at ease when he is returning punts. Always in an argument about Kobe vs. Lebron.

Nick Mondek- I think Nick has been in every class of mine for the past 2 years. Not mad about it. Nick knows a lot about me and I know a lot about Nick. Maybe too much...

Sean Matti- I think about Matti every day. Huge loss for the team and community. I know he loved his family and this team so much. He's with us all every day, especially this week.

Logan Link- Stretch buddy. Hair buddy. What I wouldn't do for that bod.

Dennis Kelly- Just a large chunk of man. Awesome guy to talk to, good friend. Also one of those guys who likes to pretend their NCAA '11 game on XBox is real life.


I was recently informed I was nominated for the Burlsworth Trophy which is awarded to the "most outstanding college football player who began his career as a walk on." I know how hard the walk on's at Purdue work and I have no doubt it isn't any different around the country. I am honored to even be on the list. I also doubt the committee looked very hard into my list of football accomplishments. Still a huge honor. Thank you Burlsworth Trophy committee.

 On Monday's the Coach Hope Radio Show is broadcast live from Fuzzy's Tacos in West Lafayette so my roommates and I went for the $1 tacos. I was fortunate enough for Coach to take my question during the show. Mrs. Hope was able to snap a few pictures of me and my 15 seconds of fame...

I was interested in his thoughts about shifting to a 3 QB system and giving Spencer Dawson a little more playing time. He said maybe next year. Dawson is a 5th year senior. 

Iowa: 1 Day
Christmas: 37 Days

The Art of Heckling

Because of my extreme lack of being good at football, I have had the opportunity to view college football from both the stands and the field. Although it totally sucked working at Abercrombie and Fitch, I made some great friends there and it made earning a starting spot that much sweeter. Also, that year my friends and I had front row tickets behind the opposing team's bench, the perfect spot for letting the team know what we really thought of them. For example, there was a kid from Inglewood, California to which we yelled "Is it true Inglewood is, indeed, up to no good?" (a reference to 2 Pac's smash hit "California Love" for both of you older readers). He laughed, turned around and gave a hearty "yes!" Boom. New friend. Probably made the sting of Purdue beating his team a little less painful. 

I always preferred heckling back-up offensive linemen. To me, they are the perfect target: slow, and unwilling to move more than they have to. For instance, if you notice a linemen wearing turf shoes at a place with grass, let him know; say something like "Are you wearing turf shoes because you knew you weren't going to play, and you wanted to be comfortable?" You got his attention, made him laugh, but also made him sad because he won't play. Perfect crime.

I have always said heckling players from the other team is just as American as kicking the British's butt in the Revolutionary War. Unfortunately, I am sad to report that things are not as great as they once were in the world of smack talking. Back in the day, fans put thought, time and effort into what they said to the opposing team. Opposing fans would do research and prepare all week, as if they were playing in the game along with their boys on the field. They would take great pride in what they would say to the players on the sideline.

Nowadays, most people go straight to something racial, or to questioning the player's sexual preferences. These idiots are ruining the fun for everybody. Why does it always have to be about something mean? Why cant you just say something clever? In this age of smart phones, it would be very easy to pull up a team roster and get some inside information on a player before you go off and call them names.

It doesn't matter how much we (I say we, but I mean players who people actually take the time to yell at) ignore the fans, we can always hear them. Some take it too far and forget they could easily get beaten up by anybody on the sideline. Those (hopefully drunk) people are just embarrassing themselves and their little kids who are sitting beside them.

This week, I talked to some of my buddies who actually play on various teams, and asked for stories of people yelling at them that stuck.  Here are a few highlights:

Zack Heiniger, linebacker - while riding the bike on the sidelines to prepare for his epic battle on kickoff return he hears "HEY 36! You can ride that bike for as long as you want, you're still going to SUCK!" -thoughtful Wisconsin Fan

Logan Link, safety - "For every tackle you miss your hair will grow an inch!" -uncreative Michigan fan

KK Short, defensive tackle - "Hey 93, you ain't tryin' to play! You just trying to find something to eat!" -Rice fan

James "Bruce" Sheppard, offensive line - two years ago (when he was a back up) "Yeah take that drink of water, you deserve it! You've worked so hard today! - Oregon fan

Kyle Adams, tight end for Da Bears says he is often compared to Towlie from South Park, or my personal favorite, Jim Breuer.

Kyle

Jim

John Finch, long snapper tells a story that goes like this. "One time, I was standing on the sidelines at IU minding my own biz and these two dime pieces from the stands start smiling and waving at me. As soon as I put the moves on and said "Hi!" they both simultaneously flipped me off."

Christian Yount, long snapper for the Tampa Bay Buccaneers - "Wait, you actually get paid to do that?" "My left nut could the same job you do." "If I quit my job and practiced snapping for a month I could beat you out." -San Francisco 49ers fans

Specialists are usually the first people on the field to stretch and warm up, when we (3 kickers and 2 snappers) were coming out of the tunnel at Michigan this year a Wolverines fan said "That's cute you guys brought 5 kickers." You got me good sir, got me good.

Chris Carlino, linebacker - "Apparently I wasn't paying enough attention to someone yelling at me at Michigan State last year so he threw a hot dog and it hit me in the helmet."

My personal all time favorite zing on an opposing team was when my brother, Adam, played basketball at Michigan State. Sunday afternoon game about halfway through the first half, score was about 65-10 in favor of MSU. Silence fell on the Breslin Center and one clever student out of the Izzone yelled "You guys need to work on scoring." Boom. Roasted.

So this weekend, say something clever, but still kinda mean, and I guarantee you'll get a warm reception from the opposing team. Later they will thank you for the time and effort spent in your endeavor.

Ohio State - 1 day

Christmas - 44 days

P.S. Today is Veterans Day. I wish I could repay you for what you have done for me and my past/present/future family. A thank you isn't enough but it's all I've got. Thank you, heroes.

Sophie Grace Is A Thief.

It has come to my attention that some little British girl has suddenly become famous for rapping Nicki Minaj's Super Bass. She even got to meet Nicki herself on Ellen. Hello, I love Ellen. What is worse is that she stole the idea from myself and Spencer Dawson. We did the exact same thing like 6 years ago...

This is Sophie living a lie.

The real video.

Last week we played at Michigan and for their homecoming fly-over, they opted to go with a casual MAN FLYING ON A JET PACK. This literally blew my mind and it got me thinking about science and stuff. Long snappers are always looking for a short cut for any job. All we do is throw a ball between our legs and I am willing to bet 9 out of 10 snapper get winded doing so. Come on scientists, step your game up. Hello, it's 1998. Hoverboards should already be a thing of the past.
Here is a short list of things I am disappointed we do not have...YET.

• Jet Packs for the common folk: it can't be that hard. I want one and I want it now. flying to class would be so much easier than walking all 5 minutes it takes to get to campus.
• Teleportation: I don't even need unlimited teleports. I'll take one per day and be happy. But let's get serious, there is a very high probability that I would use my one teleport of the day to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night. You would too.
• Hover Boards: Michael J. Fox had one. What makes him so special? I would even wear those weird hand brace/pads you used to get with your roller blades when it was still cool to roller blade because it was on the X-Games.
• Healthy Desserts: I know it kind of defeats the purpose, but wouldn't it be nice if we could eat an entire cake and have it count towards our fruits and veggies for the day instead of going straight to our thighs? Am I right ladies? Am I right?
• Flubber: Do you realize how good at long snapping I could be if I had flubber? Honestly, I'd probably be worse. Flubber is a hazardous material and there is no controlling it's power; it's like me when Party Rock comes over the air waves. I'm not gonna NOT shuffle.
• A Working Two In One Shampoo/Conditioner: Goes without saying. Who wants to shampoo AND condition? Not this guy.
• Erasible Pens: Not the crappy kind we have now. I want an erasable sharpie. Pretty sure someone could figure this out if they put minimal effort using the skills they learned in high school chemistry. Come on guys, you aren't even trying. Please.
• Light Sabers: This one pretty much goes without saying. Can cut through anything with the exception of another light saber. Lucky for me I would be the only one in the universe to own one because I am the only human who has the skills necessary to wield such a powerful weapon. Kinda sucks for everybody else though.
• Self Driving Cars: Lets face it, it would be safer and way more convenient if robots just did our work for us. I for one hope I live long enough to see a robot rebellion because that means I lived a life free of laundry, cooking, cleaning, smiling, walking, eating and folding clothes.

Ok so here's the deal, J-Biebs has an apparent baby momma. I have no problem with what this girl is doing. Everybody is entitled to their 15 minutes of fame. At the very least Justin should give her the respect she deserves and meet her on Maury for a paternity test! I'd do the same thing if I knew it was going to get me a few more Twitter followers and maybe some free meals at TGI Fidays.
Which brings me to my next point. I was sworn to secrecy but I cannot, and will not, hold it in any longer. Taylor Swift's mega hit Teardrops On My Guitar is actually about me. Taylor and I had a falling out which resulted in me birthing her child as a single father. Taylor, Baby Stella and I need you. Come home. We love you.

Also, can we all just agree that Kim is the 2nd hottest Kardashian? I'd care more about her marriage if she was Kourtney. Does anybody else feel bad for Kris Humphries? He's the one that doesn't get to hang out with Bruce Jenner anymore!


Wisconsin: 1 Day
Is it Christmas yet?


Watch this video. It made me lol.
then watch the rest of them. now.

Kevin Ballinger: Long Snapper Forever

Thanks to Dustin Smith, our team's video extraordinaire, I was able to take a few moving picture shots about what it is really like to be a long snapper. As I have mentioned before, long snapping has very little to do with actually snapping a ball; it has everything to do with everything else. I have said many times, snapping is 50% mental, 30% ball tricks, 10% snapping and another 30% talking about girls. This video displays a few of the skills necessary to be in the top 10% of all long snappers at Purdue University.
I know what you are thinking, "Kevin, you stupid butt face, you just stole everything from all the other trick videos that have been put out." Ok, you got me. Pobody's nerfect. Don't worry, I definitely did not ask permission to use their ideas so its fine. Probably. I hope you have a great rest of the day/night depending on when and where you got suckered into reading this. I love you.

In other news, for those of you who are early draft board enthusiasts (I'm talking to you, Mel Kiper), it is safe to say I will not be playing for the Falcon's next year. A Falcon's scout walked by me in practice the other day and this is about how our conversation went:
Me: You guys looking for a long snapper?
Scout: Everybody is always looking! Are you any good?
Me: The best!
Scout: Ok sounds good, I'll have to check you out.
Me: Yeah, hit me up on MySpace.

Halloween is coming up, please plan/dress accordingly. Here are a few suggestions:

1. 90% of your costume is your attitude and how well you get into character
2. nobody is too cool to dress up for Halloween, if they refuse, they are no friend of mine and should be no friend of yours.
3. don't dress up like anybody from the Jersey Shore
4. face paint always seems like a good idea at the time
5. do not set your cup down. it will be drugged. you will get AIDS. and you will die.
6. throw down on the dance floor

If you are still unsure of what to wear on this glorious occasion, view further for some past ideas of mine that went so well I had to burn the costumes immediately after:

John Finch and myself as Daryl Hall and John Oates

The real Daryl Hall and John Oates

Me as a single lady. Take note of the heels

Me dressed a shovel.

Laura Croft

Me pretending to be a football player

Michigan: 2 Days
Christmas: 59 Days

Happy Birthday to our Special Teams manager Sarah Lim!!

DANCING

I have sworn I would never lie too you many times but I must admit, last week I straight up lied to your face. Confidence is not a long snapper's #1 weapon; dancing is. Dancing can take a snapper to the next level on and off the field. 

Any long snapper dreams of somehow falling on a loose ball in the end zone and for once scoring themselves instead of throwing a ball so the kicker can take all the glory. Having been said, any snapper who is worth anything should already have a pre-planned touchdown dance. Mine is way too awesome to even show before it actually happens, mostly because it will get me kicked out of the game and bring shame upon my family.

This week, I have dedicated my post to dancing and have chosen to show a few options to those struggling long snappers/people in the club who have the desire to be great but need that little nudge to get their ish together and start dancing. 

I will be rating the following dances on a scale of 1-46. A score of 1 means you should probably just stop because if I see you doing this move in public I will push you down and call you names in front of your family and friends. A lucid score of 46 means you clearly know what you are doing and I would like to spend the rest of my life in your dancing presence.

Here we have receiver TJ Barbarette displaying his finest Douglas dance. He is pretty fluent in the language of dancing and if you do this dance correctly in dancing situations, you can quickly gain the mad respect you deserve from your peers. However, if you mess up everybody will laugh at you and you will spend the rest of eternity wishing you hadn't tried to Dougie. I give TJ a 39 for this performance.

Next up on our list of dancers is Chuck Torwudzo breaking it down doing a move I've never seen but that doesn't mean I don't like it. He is innovative with the wind-up camera move, not seen enough if you ask me. Chuck T gets a solid 35.

Here we have Akeem "The Dream" Shavers and Brandon Cottom kicking it old school. Literally the dance move they performed involved kicking. Although they missed on the timing, the colabo move is rarely seen in this day in age of individuals trying to get paper and such. The pair scored a 37.

Kawaan Short aka The Beast aka The Freak aka KK is getting down to a little move we in the biz call, the chicken head. Shout out to KK for the creative name/willingness to stick himself out there and dance for all you beautiful people. KK scores a 38 for his chicken dance.

Here we have a poser who thinks he can dance but he really just wanted to be like everybody else and look cool. I think he is trying to "Drop It Low." Instead he ends up dropping it stupid and looks like a fool because this is his best dance move. 6.

Ahh yes, The Jerk. Carson Wiggs and Justin Sinz proudly display their best Jerk and simultaneously break the hearts of many, many women. These two fine young men know how to get down on the dance floor and for that I commend them. Simple yet effective; 40 for the Jerk.

White boys will Bernie to anything. 46's all around for this display of sexual excellence!

I apologize for the crappy video quality. Kind of. Working on a walk on's budget here and I'm not tech savvy enough to figure it out. I love you.

1 day until Illinois

65 days until Christmas

ps. if you want to laugh you should probably watch THIS VIDEO and the rest of their videos because Stone Cold said so.

Confidence/Kurt Freytag Interview

Confidence is a long snapper's #1 weapon; due to our extreme lack of strength, size, power, speed, agility and favorable body composition it has to be. Every single long snapper, if he (or she, I don't like to discriminate. however, girl long snappers are extremely rare) is worth anything, borders on cocky and believes they are the best snapper to ever lace up the boots. The sad thing is, all of those self-absorbent a-holes are wrong; I am the best long snapper ever.

Clearly a long snapper's confidence does not come from anything than means anything to anybody else. I am willing to go on record to say that no long snapper has ever won a foot race (against real humans, beating another long snapper comes with the same bragging rights as being able to not wear the same sweat pants for 2 consecutive weeks. yeah its awesome and I'm proud of you, but nobody really cares.). It definitely is not going to come in the weight room so little things like not getting food ourselves as we destroy anything that is placed in front of us, or remembering to brush our teeth before class can really spark a streak of confidence we cannot (are unable) find anywhere else in life. Personally, I am also a fan of when I can find a clean pair socks. Clean sock days are perfect snap days.

October is upon us, with that brings the only time I care about baseball. Don’t get me wrong, I love my Brewers every day of the year but I could probably only name about 7 guys on the team. All I know is that your team sucks and the Brewers will win it all, 2011 is the Year of the Beer.

 

Also, basketball is in a lockout. Doesn’t matter, the NBA hasn’t been relevant since 1992 when Bird retired.

As most of you know, the Purdue football team will not be tweeting for the remainder of the season. Probably for the better, my fart jokes are getting old.

This week’s edition of Booty’s Corner features running back Kurt Freytag. Kurt makes FDR seem like a Commie and George Clooney look like The Candy Man. He’s what we in the biz call the total package.

Penn State: 2 days

Christmas: 72 days

Special shout out to my neighbor Kellie Phillips for her hat trick against IU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Also, Purdue won the game 8-2 and any time Purdue beats IU, or anybody beats IU, rules.

The Perfect Long Snapper/ Zack Heiniger Interview

First, I would like to thank everybody for their support of my blog and the #getkevinmicdup campaign, I was shocked at the amount of people who actually wanted to listen to my nonsense and fart jokes during the Notre Dame game Saturday! If endorsements from two current NFL players (rookie of the month, Ryan Kerrigan and real life pro long snapper Christian Yount) and World Champion NBA phenom Brian Cardinal (along with many other real life humans) isn't enough to get me mic'd up, then maybe the world will have to wait until I get on the Real World to get inside my head.

Now lets get down to brass tax, today we need to talk about building the perfect long snapper. Now, the easy and short answer would be me. But that would also be a lie and I would never lie to you because I love you. I am going to work from the top down to create my perfect super human Long Snapper:

Hair: Fabio. Flowing locks are essential to a perfect snap. If you don't believe me, ask the dishes! (WHAT UP BEAUTY AND THE BEAST REFERENCE??!?!??)
Facial Hair: Another important factor in a long snap. Obviously, the cut would be a mustache. No question. But who's mustache provides the best environment for success? My dad's, circa 1975. Perfectly groomed, slight hint of handlebarness. Many people do not realize my Dad was once a great long snapper himself, started on the Mississinewa 9th grade team for the Indians.
Mentality: Long snappers must play with a chip on their shoulder; I'm not talking about going out there and wanting to prove someone wrong, I am talking about a literal chip because chips are delicious. Chris Carlino has the mentality of a walk on with the ability of a scholarship player (rare). He knows what every player on every special team's role is on every play, he would make a great long snapper because he always performs and also likes to party. 
Physique: Big, bulky muscles can get in the way of long snapping (which is why I have gone with a more Average Joe build and chosen to gain excessive weight in other areas such as my thighs and stomach). Physique-wise, I'm taking Uncle Jesse from the Full House. Always smooth. Leather jackets.
Game Swag: It is true, you can be a good long snapper without game day swag; Jesse Schmitt embodies the swagless long snapper. Jesse wears no wrist bands, pulls his socks as high as possible (even though it looks stupid), wears dirty old gross cleats and still performs. My selection for game swag when building the perfect long snapper would be Brad "The Big Pizza" Niemeier; two wristbands, simple yet very effective.

Pizza kissing his girlfriend

Shoes: Yes, I agree that shoes could be considered part of the aforementioned swag, but in a perfect world, a snapper would be able to wear whatever he wanted and felt comfortable in to snap. Having been said, my perfect snapper would have the Latrell Sprewell's ( complete with spinning rims on the side!) strapped to his feet.

For the record, I tried to photoshop a picture of the perfect long snapper but Zoolander is on TV and I ran out of time. deeply sorry.

Today is a very special day, here we have the first installment of "Booty's Corner" where I interview other players who get less media attention than they deserve so the public can know the awesomeness that is the men of the Purdue Football team.

not enough awkward leg touches if you ask me.

Notre Dame: 1 Day

Happy Birthday to my stretching partner and hair extraordinaire,  Logan Link

pictured right